This little english assignment was another group's parody to the tragic story of Romeo and Juliet. It is purely fictional. Really, it is. And most of all...I didn't do it.
Don't take this one too seriously... (wicked grin)
If you want to mail Eric, click here If you want to mail Andy, click here
Norman Tweed placed his books at the base of his desk and sat his rail-thin body into the uncomfortable school chairs. He pushed the taped glasses high upon the ridge of his nose, and squinted at the board in from tof the room. The board read, "English page 204-230. Questions 1-15 and 30-50." Norman whipped out his English book and began reading, his "Alfalfa" like cowlick bobbing in the air. He raced through the book following the words with a grubby finger. His eyes floated over the words, sometimes pausing to push up his glasses.
Norman finished before anyone else had finished and before many even started. He pulled out his pencil out of his chest pocket, and began to gnaw on the eraser as he mulled over the first question. "Ah ha!" he said aloud, drawing most of the students away from their books long enough to give him a dirty look. He wrote furiously and began the next question. He repeated this cycle until the last problem was finished and he stood to take the paper to the front of the room.
His teacher said, "Put it over there Norman. And when you're finished could you hand out some papers for me?"
In his high, squeaky voice, Norman replied, "Sure. I'd love to Mr. Nimak." He picked up the stack of papers and began to place them upon the desks of his fellow classmates. As he stopped by one desk he heard a sigh, and he looked down into a beautiful face. "Uh, h-h-hi S-S-Serina." The girl looked up and snorted, digusted. "Do you mind Norman? I'm trying to work here." Serina yelled. Norman returned to his seat and stared at the gorgeous brown haired and brown eyed beauty.
"Oh, uh, sorry," Norman stuttered as he moved quickly to the next desk. The bell for lunch rang at 12:30, and the kids filed out of the room talking, chattering, and doing what kids do. Norman sat and watched Serina's tall, slim body rise from her seat and leave the room. He sat in a daze, dreaming about her eyes, her face, and the beautiful way she said, "Do you mind Norman? I'm trying to work here." He was so involved in his daydream that he didn't notice the funny look that the teacher gave him or even when Mr. Nimak asked if he was okay. He finally snapped out of it when he was tapped on the shoulder.
"Huh? What the. . . . Oh sorry, I'll just be going now" The teacher watched Norman's extremely thin body leave the room.
Norman followed Serina at a distance during the lunch hour. It did not go unnoticed either. Serina made a face of disgust and moved to a different place each time she saw Norman. But he followed doggedly. When Serina approached him at the end of lunch, his pulse quickened and his heart leapt to his throat. He managed a weak smile before she screamed angrily, "Norman! Stop following me around. I don't like you, I'm already in love with a senior who likes me too. Just leave me alone you. . . .you. . . .you NERD!" She stamped cutely down the hallway.
"She likes me," Norman thought, "she really likes me." School seemed to fly by and as he walked home Norman dreamed about the beautiful Serina. He could hear the birds singing, he could smell the flowers, he could feel the warm afternoon air. It was a beautiful sunny day. . . .HONK! SCREEEE!
"Hey watch where you're going you stupid idiot! What in the world do you think you're doing? Get out of my way before I run you over!"
Norman jumped and looked around. He was in the middle of the street and an angry driver was leaning out the window and screaming madly at him. He decided it would be best if he quickly removed himself from the road. The furious driver sped away. Norman reached his house around three o' clock. He unlocked the door and stepped inside. No one was home so he walked upstairs to his room and closed the door. Remembering what Serina had said, he examined himself in the mirror. His shoes were too large and were covered with dirt. He wore knee-high socks that were slightly overlapped by his brown slacks that had been belted just under his armpits. His white collared shirt had three different pens in the pocket and was tucked into his pants. Norman's eyes worked up to his glasses perched precariousy upon the bridge of his nose and his slicked down hair. He said quietly to his image, "You're not a nerd, are you Norman?" His image stared back as if to say, "No, of course not. Serina was just trying to express her love for you, that's all."
Satisfied, he sat down at his desk, pushed his glasses up and opened his favorite book, The Detroit Manual of Quantum Flux Circuit Design, Norman began to read, "Quantum flux circuit design is probably the most fascinating branch of practical electrical theory." Norman skipped a few paragraphs, "When the circuits elements have the RP-completeness the Krungie factor can be ignored."
"Hmm, I didn't know that," said Norman, "I thought that the Krungie factor was in effect until the induction circuit was complete in the thermo..." Looking at his Mickey Mouse watch, he leaped up with surprise. "Jumpin' gehosiphat! I'm late for the chess club party!" Norman bolted from his chair and ran out the door.
Norman arrived at the party five minutes late. He rung the doorbell and adjusted his bow tie as he waited patiently for the door to be opened. Ralph, the president of the chess club opened the door, greeted Norman cheerfully and invited him inside.
"Sorry I'm late Ralph. So, who is my doomed opponent tonight, Ralph? It should be a quick match, I feel like I could take on the world!" Norman was practically shouting.
"Ok Norman, you have been set up to play one of our better members tonight. Her name is Leverne." She is a great chess player, very smart and logical in all her moves. It should be a fight to the finish.
The doorbell rang and Ralph went to get it. Norman began to set up the table as he waited for his opponent to show herself. He was almost finished when a voice sounded before him.
"Hi, you must be Norman. Nice to meet you. I am Leverne, your opponent for tonight. Ready to be decimated?" Norman paused in mid-motion and looked up at her. He saw a round face with frizzy blond hair pulled up in a disorderly bun. Her thick, owl-rimmed glasses magnified her dull green eyes. She had an upturned button nose and chubby cheeks. She wore a green plaid blouse with a mismatched, knee length, red and white polka dot skirt which overlapped her knee-high white socks. Norman's jaw dropped as his trembling hands scattered the pieces on the chess board.
"Oh my goodness! She's beautiful!" he thought to himself.
Throughout the game, Norman had spells of dizziness and couldn't force himself to pay attention to his game. His eyes kept on wandering up to the stunning face of his opponent.
"In addition to her good looks, she's a good chess player!" he thought to himself as she called out triumphatly, "Checkmate!" Norman had lost his first game, ending his twenty-four game winning streak. But it had been worth it. Unfortunately, he did not notice Bubba's jealous and threatening looks during the course of the match.
After the match, he wandered over to the refreshments table where Leverne was talking to her friends. They were giggling and seemed to be pointing and constantly glancing at Norman. Norman's hopes skyrocketed as she glanced in his direction and smiled. Could it be that she liked him? He summoned all his courage and began to walk over to the table. But he hit a brick wall about five feet away from Leverne.
"Duh, where do yuh think you're goin' wimp?" the brick wall demanded. Norman looked up and found that it was not actually a brick wall he had it, it was Bubba, the nose-tackle for the varsity football team. He had heared quite a bit about this 300 pound freshman and all of it had not been pleasant.
"Uh, I'm a b-b-bit thirsty from my g-g-game," Norman stuttered, "I was going over to the refreshment table to get some punch."
"Doh, what a coincidence, that's where I'm goin'. Actually, I'm gonna talk to my gurl, Leverne."
Norman's heart skipped a beat. How could this monster and a football jock at that, be the boyfriend of the girl of his dreams? He would have to think this out so any unnecessary pain could be avoided. After all, Norman was a karate champ, there was no telling what harm he could accidentally cause to Bubba.
Norman walked over the refreshments trying to look as casual as possible. When he arrived, he began a casual conversation with Leverne. "Hi Leverne I uh, WOOAAH!" Suddenly, his thin body shot like an arrow through the closed front door. Only to land in a heap upon the front lawn.
"Duh, you stay away from my gurl," Bubba bellowed.
"What are you talking about? I'm not your girl, I don't even like you!"
Norman smiled as he lasped into unconciousness. When he finally awoke, he was still on the lawn of Ralph's house. He looked through the Norman-sized hole in the door in time to see Leverne leaving the house. He quickly got up and proceeded to follow her at a distance to wherever her domicile was located. When they finally arrived at her humble abode, the stately Pibb Mansion TM
"Hold on, this is the Pibb Mansion TM! She must be one of the Pibbs! How can that be? My only love, sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Gosh darnit! This is bad. What should I do? If I remember the story correctly, our two families are enemies because our great great great grandfathers were good freinds. Hmm. . . lemme think about that one. . .
A long time ago, my great great great grandfather lent a marvelous crock-pot to Mr. Pibb, and to this day, it had not been returned. But the plot thickens, as this marvelous crock-pot was passed down as a family heirloom, the Pibbs took posession of it. One day, great great grandfather, Old Mr. Tweed, stopped by the Pibb house and asked for his family's cherished crock-pot. Mr. Pibb called Old Mr. Tweed a babbling old fool. Old Mr. Tweed made a grab for the crock-pot but the younger Mr. Pibb pulled the pot out of the way. Old Mr.Tweed tripped and knocked his head on a convieniently placed table, alas, the blow was too strong and he died.
"Thus we have been sworn enemies to the death," Norman said to no one in partcular. "And since the Pibbs sold our crock-pot to get the Pibb Mansion TM, they deserve a fate worse than death. Well, maybe not, ahhh, I'm so confused. What is that?" he exclaimed, looking up to a distant window past the gates, dogs, rose bushes, and ivy plant. "But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? I think I see the dim form of my true love!"
Norman took out his trustable portable computer and plugged it into the security gates. "I'll just run this anti Pibb Mansion Security TM program and short out the power to the gates." Norman passed the gates and proceeded to his next challenge, the Pibb Mansion Security Dogs TM.
At this time, Leverne looked out her balcony as she heard odd sounds emitting from the front lawns. She thought she heard a voice whispering, "Down boy! Yah! Down boy! Nice puppies, good doggies, ahh! My what sharp teeth you have! Stay away! Yeeargh!"
There was the sound of cloth ripping, "Hey! Those were my best pit-high pants!" Leverne heard running footsteps getting closer to her window. There was a high pitched shriek and a thump. Little did she know that Norman was now hanging upside down under her balcony, caught in the vines on the side of the Pibb Mannsion TM. THe noise subsided, and Leverne's mind drifted to other matters.
"Norman, Norman! Wherefore art thou Norman?"
"I'm right here!" a voice sounded from below.
"I love him so much that I'm hearing his voice!" Leverne sighed.
"No really! I'm right here! My foot is caught and my glasses are slipping!"
"Could it be? Is it you? Norman!"
"O, you doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems you hang upon the cheek of night like a rich jewel in an Ethiop's ear," Norman said poetically.
"Huh? What was that?"
"Uh, you sure are purty!" he stated dumbly. Too bad I'm a Tweed, the natural enemy of the Pibbs, who stole my family's crock-pot and sold it to get The Pibb Mansion TM"
"Oh Norman, that means we can't be friends! I know! Lets run off together. Tomorrow. And we can calculate pi together!" she said dreamily.
"And read books on quantum circuit design! I'm with you! It worked in Romeo and Juliet! Hmm, what happened in the end? Never mind. Now just let me get up on your balcony and we can discuss the plan." He reached up and grabbed the rim of the balcony. Leverne reached out and grabbed his hands, but she heard her mother calling. She quickly let go of Norman's hands and turned to answer her mother's calls.
"AHHHHhhhhh!!!!!!!" Crash, clunk, bang, boom, rip. Norman's clothes were covered with rose thorns. Roses were scattered all over the balcony from his disastrous fall.
"Oh how sweet, he got me roses!"
The next day, Norman daydreamed and thought of the plans he and Leverne had made the night before. She seemed not to care that he was a Tweed, and seemed sincere about here love. Although it all seemed a bit hasty, life was short and he would take advantage of his luck. The plan was simple. The lovers knew that their parents would never understand or approve, so they would have to sneak out some how. They would give each other a sign to show that they were ready, and then cause a big distraction in their homes. And proceed to a certain spot, and run off together. It would be all too easy.
Norman was up late that night making a beacon that would show Leverne he was ready for a distraction. When he finally got it working, he sat and waited.
Down the road, Leverne sat watching and waiting, when a light flashed Morse code in her window. "Leverne. I am ready for that distraction." She stood to start her distraction but accidentally knocked over the lamp by her bedside.
"Oops," she said as the lamp broke and started a small flame upon the bed sheets. "I better get out of here!" She ran out the front door of the Pibb Mansion TM and off down the road to their meeting point.
The fire in the Pibb MansionTM spread quickly and soon the blazing inferno was noticed by Norman. "Wow! What a distraction. Gosh she's purty and smart! I'd better get a distraction too. Hmm, where's that lighter fluid?"
Soon enough, Norman was leaving his house very quickly. When he arrived at the spot Leverne was already there, but there was one small problem. Bubba was there talking to Leverne. "That's it," Norman said, "No stupid, ugly, ape-like creature is going to ruin my life!" Norman picked up the nearest stick and ran, screaming wildly, at Bubba. He took a mighty swing and cracked the stick upon Bubba's head. The stick splintered into many pieces, leaving only the hilt in Norman's hand.
"Huh, what was that. Duh, stupid flies," Bubba turned around, "Oh, it's YOU!" Bubba stopped to pick up a stick just as Norman did the same.
"EN GARDE!" Norman screamed as he swung at Bubba, missing completely. Bubba swung back with no coordination whatsoever. This went on until Leverne, using her great skill in Judo, threw Bubba into a nearby can, where he was stuck.
"Nice move Leverne," Norman said, "now we can go off into the sunset and live together forever in paradise!"
"Yes, and we can have many little children and teach them to be like us! They'll be the future leaders of the world! But where shall we live? I've got enough money in my account but where shall we go?" questioned Leverne.
"We can figure that out later! Let's go my love."
They held each other's hands and dashed down the street, looking back at the flaming wreckage of Pibb Mansion TM, silhouetted against the night sky. They were together at last, and would be happy forever. All their troubles would be alleviated, now that they were with each other for the rest of eternity. They were in control of their own destinies, nothing could stop them now, their parents would never find them, but that was their fault for being enemies. The Tweeds and Pibbs were united, and that was that. Their moment of glory lay before them in the road ahead. They smiled as they thought of each other and their love, burning bright and shining like headlights.
Headlights!?
HONK! SCREEEE!
Thump.
Alas, Norman and Leverne lay plastered upon the asphalt of their glorious
road. They were wrong, nothing could stop them now except for the truck
that just sent them to kingdom come. It was all over. Norman and Leverne
were no more.
They had forgotten the most important lesson in love. Look both ways before you cross the street. The deaths of the lovers affected their parents feud in a most interesting way. It amplified their hate. Each blamed the other for the death of their children. So ends the beautiful and sad tale, of Norman and Leverne.