Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover


SFX: Two people getting into bed for the night.

Arthur: Good night Angela, my little love lump.

Angela: Good night Arthur.

SFX: They roll over, sigh and settle in.

SFX: Wavy, dream music up.

Arthur 2: I don't believe we're actually going to pretend that nothing happened tonight. Does she think I'm blind? I saw her undressing that drummer with her eyes. And now I'm just expected to roll over and wait for her to rub my tummy. She can be so cold sometimes, it's like I'm sleeping with a popsicle.

SFX: More wavy dream music.

Angela II: Wow, what an amazing evening! Except for Arthur. You knew he was, well, unremarkable when you first met him - but honestly, going back six times to the barbecue buffet? I've never seen such a pig - and he doesn't even like short ribs that much.

SFX: Dream music getting louder and louder.

Angela II: He was just trying to get his money's worth...

SFX: Loud POP!

Angela II: ...because he's such a cheapskate.

Angela & Arthur: Huh?

Angela II: I said, because he's such a cheapskate.

Angela & Arthur: What!?!

Arthur 2: Now you've hatched it.

Angela: Move over!

Arthur 2: Yeah, right.

Angela II: Oh, the blanket hog is speaking!

Arthur: Who do you two think you are?

Arthur 2: We're you.

Angela: Who?

Angela II: You.

Arthur & Angela: Eeuuuw.

Angela II: We're actualized impulses from your subconscious...

Arthur 2: Made all too painfully human to voice your true inner feelings for each other.

Angela: So you know everything I've been thinking?

Arthur: Everything I've been doing?

Arthur 2: We've haven't just been under your skin, we've been digesting your food...

Angela II: ...having fun in your sex dreams...

Arthur 2: ...and brushing our teeth with your toothbrushes for years.

All four of them: Eeeeuuuw...

Arthur: So you're here to...

Angela II: ...clear the air, that's right. And just to kick things off, I, for one, think you're a piggy old skinflint who doesn't know the value of a good woman's love.

Arthur 2: It's sure isn't worth the surf and turf.

Angela: I don't believe you'd actually say that!

Arthur: Well, I don't think that that's actually me who's doing the talking.

Angela II: Well, who do you think it is?

SFX: Angela II hitting Arthur.

Both Arthurs: Ow!

Angela II: Jim Henson?

Angela: Arthur, if that's what you really think about me then maybe it's time we reviewed this relationship.

Arthur 2: Good, let's start with your pal Ringo, I think we could go a couple of rounds on him first.

Angelas: What?!

Arthur 2: Looking him over the whole night...

Arthur: Yeah!

Arthur 2: Boogying your lycra-clad body right in his face....

Arthur: Yeah!

Arthur 2: And then challenging him and the bartender to a game of strip twister and spotting him three points?

Angela: And I suppose that scamming an extra twelve buffalo wings off of the bar is your idea of a hot evening?

Angela II: Tell him, girl.

Angela: You have no spunk, no dynamism, no ba-bing!

Angela II: In fact I have no idea what a swinging chick like us is doing with a mouthbreather such as yourself.

SFX: Pop!

Arturo: Ouch, you hurt me, you brutes, you bruise my very soul.

Arthur 2: Great, just peachy.

Angela II: Oh, it's Mr. Angst in the Pants.

Arthur: Who are you?

Arturo: I am your sensitive side, Arturo, and I cannot believe the depredations being committed upon my frail person.

Angela II: Hey look Artie, your sensitive side's got just as small a dinky as...

Arturo: I'll just curl up under these pillows here and wait for this to be over.

Angela: You're every bit the wheezer I thought you were.

Arthur: Oh yeah, nothing I suppose like your friend the little drummer boy.

SFX: Loud Pop!

Drummer: Excuse me, did someone call for a skin man?

Arthur 2: Where did you come from?

Drummer: I don't know, first thing I'm playing my bongos in this babe's imagination in a incredibly tight pair of shorts and now I'm in bed with... oh, hello.

Angelas: Helloo.

Drummer: Should I set up my kit over here by the headboard?

Angela: Exhibit one, hunkus Americanus.

Arthur: What's he doing here?

Angela II: We wanted him, so I summoned him . Much more fun than Scrabble with Betty and Oliver, isn't it Art?

Arthur: Well, if we're going to violate the sanctity of our bed, I'm going to summon up every woman I've ever had passionate feelings for in my life...

Drummer: See if you can cook up Anna Nicole Smith for me while you're at it.

Arthur 2: Uh, Art, I wouldn't do that...

Arturo: Oh, Rapture!!!

Arthur: Comely vixens of the night, appear!

SFX: Small pop!

Dora & Roberta: Hello, Arthur.

Drummer: Major disappointment, Art.

Dora: About time you let us out of there Arthur.

Arthur: Dora Pinnock...

Angela: She's the girl who pumps gas at the Raceway...

Dora: Yeah, and me and this gink here's gotta have words.

Arthur 2: You want the gink on the other side of the bed, I'm just an emphemeral spirit of the night.

Dora: (evilly) Whichever.

Arturo: What torments wrack my paltry frame...

Arthur 2: Or how about this gink over here?

Roberta: Arthur...

Arthur: Principal Woolworth Roberta.

Angela II: This the best you can do Artie?

Roberta: You better believe you're going right back to detention after this, young man...

Angela: It's amazing we've stayed together as long as we have.

Angela 2: Isn't it?

Arturo: Oh, the shame of it all...

Dora: Stuff it in your pj's Arturo.

Arthur 2: Nice going Art.

Angela: Here, Arthur, let me show you how it's really done.

SFX: Big BOOM! Sound of a bunch of football players running amok in the bed.

Arthur: Hey, wait just a minute, what are all these guys in football uniforms doing in our bed?

Guys: Hi Art! Hey, Angela!!

Arthur: I don't believe this, they're getting mud all over the duvet. Did you invite them?

Angela: Well, maybe if some people weren't so casual about bringing just any old body into our bed...

Roberta: Well!

Angela: ...I wouldn't have, but since it's old home night I say it's every man and every apparition for himself.

Guys: (chanting) An-Ge-La! An-Ge-La!

Arthur 2: Oh, spiffy.

Arturo: Excuse me, but could you move over? You're smooshing my epaulettes.

SFX: Everyone in bed starts talking and arguing under in a rising crescendo.

Arthur: I can't believe that you actually brought this phosphorescent free-for-all into the bedroom!

Angela: Well, it's a lot more action than anyone's seen in here in a long time.

Arthur: It's much too loud in here for a body to think, I want mediation.

Angela: Fine, we'll go to my lawyer's house right now!

Arthur: No we won't, that shylock's way too expensive! We're going to mine!

SFX: A bedroom door slamming.

Arthur 2: Are they gone?

Angela II: I think they split!

Arthur 2: Cool... losers!

SFX: Someone punches down the tape player. The Rivington's "Papa Ooo Mow-Mow" comes on.

Guys: Did anyone bring some beverages?

Arthur 2: Here.

SFX: Beer can opening.

Arthur 2: Hey, don't spritz on the sheets!

SFX: A bed spring sproinging up and hitting the ceiling.

Comments gratefully accepted by: