Twister Party

    It is not often that one is encouraged to place one's head between the legs of a relative stranger. More often than not such activity comes at the risk of great bodily harm and can be accomplished only through the liberal application of the social lubricant of your choice.  May we suggest to you, the kindly reader, Chivas on the rocks.  Should Chivas not be your cup of tea, there are alternatives.  Alternatives like having your very own Twister Party.

    You remember Twister®; right hand green, left hand blue and so on and so forth. Playing it as an innocent child was, well, all very innocent. Playing as an adult, however, can be an entirely different matter. Imagine if you will, bodies writhing about, hopelessly entwined in positions which 9 out of 10 chiropractors agree are bad, very bad indeed. A major traffic accident? No. A Roman orgy? Well, not yet anyway. It's a Twister Party, and depending on how, shall we say, physically gifted your guests are, the possibilities are endless.

    Our sick and twisted minds (pun intended) have envisioned a large and spacious living room, cleared of all furniture, knickknacks and objectionable individuals. In the center, beneath the glare of strategically aimed track lighting, sits a raised dais upon which is securely fastened the almighty Twister® board, perfect in its simplicity, ingenious it's perverseness. As the participants enter, anxious for their hour of combat, a golden throated announcer steps to the forefront, attired in black tie and tails. A hush befalls the raucous crowd. Pausing momentarily to allow the suspense to fester among the masses, he draws a deep breath and declares in a voice clear and mighty, "Let's get ready to Twisterrr!!!".

    Ok, silliness aside, here's the lowdown on the showdown. You can invite as many folks as you like. However, for every fifteen or so guests interested in involving themselves in the action, there should be and additional board set aside so as to not bore contestants not involved in a particular match to the point where they begin sawing at their wrists with a dulled butter knifed. (If only one board is available and the number of participants swells to an unmanageable number all such utensils should be stowed safely away in a closet or sea chest) Matches should involve no more than five individuals with a sixth person present for pointer spinning and officiating purposes. As with any great competition, the end result of the night's festivities should be one all powerful, absolute champion. In order to insure this occurs, a large chalk board or piece of paper should hung to the side of the room upon which contestants should be broken down into brackets not unlike the NCAA basketball tournament. Contestants can be eliminated from competition upon losing either two or three matches. This really won't take as long as you think as, in a match involving five "twistees", four guests will end up on with the short end of the stick each time.

    So, how do you play? Well, the rules are the same as usual with a few exceptions. As everyone knows, falling down eliminates you from a match. However, in the event one individual falls and takes another player with them to the mat, the only player eliminated is the one who caused the calamity. It will be up to the official present to sort out the "fucker" from the "fuckees" as it were. The judge's ruling is final. Those who violently disagree with the officials ruling should be carried off by the assembled crowd and unceremoniously dumped upon the front lawn. (If you do not have a front lawn and your home abuts a major roadway instead, be sure to look both ways before entering the street) Now, just a few more twists. Losers must consume two entire beverages before being allowed to enter the "squared circle" again. Winners need only finish one. Lastly, nuzzling, fondling and animals noises are excepted methods of toppling an opponent and any player engaging in such activities should not be punished for their strategy. However, pushing, shoving and producing a foul odor are not to be permitted. On a side note, it is best to require that those wishing to participate in the action come to your gathering freshly groomed. While mildly rank individuals can simply be scurried off to the nearest shower and then allowed to participate, particularly offensive individuals should be shot. Clearly anyone arriving that malodorous intends upon cheating his way to the title. Doing away with them will preserve the integrity of the event and, besides, all your friends will think your just swell for taking such a risk on their behalf.

    The eventual champion should be treated as such. May we suggest the awarding of a twisted coat hanger set upon a lump of hardened rye bread and the choice of any other guest for a night of unbridled, saucy love making. You may even wish to require that the action take place upon the Twister® board itself, or, at the least, that it be video taped with the proper lighting and marital aids at the ready. Becoming a champion is no easy task. Skimping on a proper celebratory ceremony would be akin to the public address announcer at the Super Bowl declaring upon game's end "nice season guys… you can all go home now".

    Now you needn't go all out in your attempt to recreate the atmosphere we have foreseen. However, stick to the rules, regulations, and guidelines. Do not toy with our leniency here. We will find you. Plenty of alcohol and very little modesty on the part of all involved will insure one hell of a good time. Have fun twisting the night away good citizens of bible nation. We have blessed you with our genius, now go forth and party.


Naked Twister®: Guests should participate wearing only that which they were born wearing. In other words, nothing at all. Do not believe anyone attempting to convince you they were born outfitted in blue jeans and a flannel shirt. They are not, we repeat not, telling the truth. We have never seen a womb with the ability to produce denim. Believe us, we've checked.

Oily Twister®: Players should be well lubricated with baby oil before the action begins. Dry cleaning being the expensive proposition it is, may we suggest that participants strip down or, at the least, be attired in little more than swim suits. We both encourage and discourage this particular party variation. While oil of any sort can make for a rather treacherous field of play, and accordingly a plethora of pulled muscles, bruised thighs and bloodied noses, there is nothing quite like the sight of glistening breasts (or pectoral muscles for our female, homosexual and bisexual readers).

Team Play: Teams of two should be formed for matches involving four or six individuals. The team with at least one of their players standing at the conclusion of a bout is declared the winner. Teammates can work together as long as they remain within the boundaries of fair play as outlined above. The team winning the final match, and accordingly the entire tournament, should be awarded the same prize as is applicable to a single man tourney, the only difference being that the sex is a hell of a lot more interesting.

Music: The Rolling Stones "Street fightin' Man", Chubby Checker's "The Twist", and Dire Straits "Twisted by the Pool" are encouraged. It's also adds a bit of excitement to the whole affair if copies of both "The Eye of the Tiger" and "The final Countdown" can be rustled up for introduction and adrenaline pumping purposes.

Food: Hot dogs, peanuts and other sporting event nourishment should be offered. If you can get some bore schlep to march around shouting "Hey… Hot dogs, here! Hot dogs!!!", it would be quite a coup and greatly enhance your reputation among your peers. That of course is the whole point here anyway, isn't it.

Games: Let's see, there's…um…Twister®. Kidding aside, as if it ever is, try betting on the matches. While betting money on a game of Twister® is illegal in every state except Nevada, betting for drinks is a perfectly acceptable practice across the country. Games which do not require much time or set-up are a good idea as well, as participants could be called away to the Twister® board at any time.

Beverage: Anything ... just make it strong.

Underwear: This is an athletic event! Jock straps and jogging bras for everyone.